There is something I learnt as a child that has always stayed with me, “if you don’t stand for something, then you’ll fall for anything.”
I know we’ve been talking about virginity and purity for the past three weeks, but I want you to forget about that for the moment. Not because it’s not important but because the reality is most persons may not be virgins and I don’t want anybody to misinterpret these blogs as being strictly for those who are.
There is life after premarital sex and God makes that possible through repentance, grace and redemption. The question should not be based on virginity, but purity in general.
Regardless of if you’ve had sex or not (like me), as christians there are certain things that are expected of us but sometimes those things are hard to do. It’s difficult to stop eating fried chicken (I loveeeeeeee me some fried chicken) cold turkey if you’ve had it before and also if you are always in a situation to be tempted by it. It’s like an alcoholic… You wouldn’t make someone who is trying to get back to a life a sobriety work in a bar, that’s just cruel, in my opinion.
But sometimes, that’s exactly what we do to ourselves. We know we want to lose ten pounds but we decide to walk by KFC every afternoon after work knowing that it’s our weakness, and thinking that we won’t go in. We may not go in during that first week, but what happens after you accidentally bump into someone who is exiting at the same time you’re passing and you get a good whiff of the colonel’s best? I’ll tell you what’ll happen, because I’ve been there, you start justifying to yourself that you don’t need to cut out all of the good stuff, 1 piece a week won’t do any harm. Then it goes from 1 piece a week to, “well I did a lot of work today I should treat myself”, then it goes to having some as comfort after a hard and stressful day. Then the next thing you know, you’re right back where you started, just 10 pounds heavier.
My cousin always used to tell you to tell me that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.” When you think about it, it’s really the truth. It’s insane to think that the same things you did in a past relationship that left you broken, depressed, miserable and unhappy, will suddenly make you feel the complete opposite emotions in a new relationship.
I’ve come to realize that the best way to keep myself from falling into temptation whether I’m in a relationship or not is to establish a standards and boundaries.
This week, I want to focus on the boundaries though.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown
As a christian, I’ve realized that I couldn’t date the way the world dates because I would inevitably end up with the same results the world ends up with; premarital sex, heartbreak from soul ties, and even children out-of-wedlock. So to prevent this I knew I had to set some boundaries.
- Curfew – I think it’s really important to set a curfew boundary for yourself while dating. Have you ever noticed that late nights are just the most opportune times for wrong things to happen? That’s because the darkness conceals what cannot hid in the light. The devil knows this better than anybody and its around those times you gon’ be all up in your feels and everything is a cuddle this or a kiss that. Then one things leads to the next and, well you know what happens after that.
- Physical Boundaries – Put physical boundaries in place, and when you’re doing it be honest with your self. If you know a good kiss sends you into a frenzy then it might be a good move to shun the very appearance of that evil and decide to date without kissing so that you can keep a level head. For others it might be a touch/hug, but be honest with yourself about your weaknesses and don’t try to “play strong”.
- House Dates – I know it’s our generations thing to get a good old “Netflix and chill” session in every now and then, but this can be very risky. The devil loves to tempt you when you’re isolated, and its much easier to get frisky in a house with your boo all alone than it is to do in a restaurant, or crowded park, or movie theatre. Resist the temptation to have house dates, thinking that you are grown and mature enough to control yourself. If you think you stand, be careful lest you fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).
- Late Night Phone Calls – This might not seem like much but I know you’ve all heard about phone sex, and just like when you’re together, late nights can prove to be just as detrimental when you’re apart and on the phone. This also sets you up to fall when you’re together because soon just hearing their voice describe to you all that they’re going to do or want to do, won’t be enough. You’ll actually want them to try some of those things out. Don’t Do It!
- Group Dates – There are some people who know to themselves, especially if the person they’re dating is real “foine!!!”, that you might very well jump their bones if you get the chance to. So here’s my advice, don’t give yourself a chance to. Try group dating. Go out with other like-minded persons who will help to keep you accountable. This also helps you to grow a social friendship with the person you’re interested in and helps you to see their true colours because they won’t only be interacting with you. Besides, they always say that the best relationships are developed out of friendships.
Boundaries can help you save yourself from a lot of future heart ache but they can only be effective if the person you are with respects those boundaries and is completely on board with them 100%. That’s another major thing to keep in mind when getting into relationship, being on the same page, otherwise it makes life with that other person extremely difficult and it probably won’t work out in the end.
Be INTENTIONAL about keeping yourself out of any situation that could possibly lead you to temptation.
I’ll be talking about my own experience with boundaries and standards next week, so be sure to check that out.